Guest Blog written by Niamh Rockford
I never realised I was masking until I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. It all hit me at once. I realised I was performing most days and if I wasn’t, I was basically bed bound. I spent so much time studying people that were popular: what did they do? What did they say to get this many friends? Why did people want to talk to them? How and why could they hold a conversation better than me? How do they not run to the bathroom and cry everyday? Nobody else is begging their mother to call in sick for them…
I’ll bring you right back to the time where I knew something was up with me, I actually found it really hard to mask this specific thing. Anytime I had to read a book out loud or do a presentation, I was filled with anxiety, my heart would race and I wouldn’t be able to fully speak properly. I ended up stuttering a lot and being teased for it. This sadly led me to skipping any school day that involved presentations or reading out loud. But more importantly I remember how I felt. I felt like the weird kid? Like I was truly the outcast, even the “nerdy” girls would laugh at me. I was so nervous about my life and where I was going if this is how I felt when I’m young? Everyone says being young is your best years but for me they were the worst. So I stopped being me, and started to almost mimic the people around me.
Masking can be unconscious too, I think that’s what happened to me, I didn’t even realise I was doing it until my assessor and counselor brought it to my attention. I masked in a lot of ways, I pretended to be a loud, party girl who loved to have a million friends (in reality I came home and cried because I was so exhausted by it, I was also constantly anxious because I knew I had to keep this act up to keep these friends). I drank every weekend to help my anxiety and while it gave me liquid courage, it made my emotions so much louder. I gave up everything for my past partners, anything they wanted they got, even if it was ruining me or spending all of my money (in reality I was just so scared nobody would love me if I wasn’t like this). I stayed in a job that was not good for me mentally, but I felt like I was a normal person! I got up for my job, I got my money, and I went home. I was contributing to society. But it started to drain me and the workplace got quite toxic until I finally had to leave for my mental health.
I’ve done a lot of researching on masking/camouflaging, and while it can keep autistic people safe from bullying or harassment, it also slowly deteriorates our minds and our sense of self. While doing this research I noticed nobody was speaking about identity crisis with late identified autistic people. This was weird for me because that is exactly how I felt when I was first diagnosed. It was so scary.. you’re telling me I’ve been lying to everyone and myself for like 20 years? And now I have the chance to choose me and be myself? But I have no idea who I am.. Am I even a good person who deserves better? I dealt with these thoughts for the last 2 years, and honestly they are still there. But it was so scary to me, I never cared for people fully knowing who I am, but for me to not even know scared me so much. I had days where I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Or asking myself “how am I going to get through this?” It’s so important for people to be aware of that; yes, masking can make us feel safer and keep us safer, but is it worth going through a massive identity crisis some point in your life?
Once I was diagnosed at 24 with Autism and ADHD, I researched it and I finally found myself for the first time ever… it was me! I get overwhelmed very easily, I experience sensory issues, I miss social cues, socializing exhausts me (it doesn’t charge me) I am emotional, sensitive, and I experience emotional disregulation. I find it very hard to concentrate, and I get distracted very easily. It takes me longer to reply because I have a processing delay. I experience echolalia, AFRID, alexithymia, rejection sensitivity and so many more!
But now I have words for it. I was never “stupid”, or “too quiet”, or “boring” and I never had to turn myself into a “party girl” or “flakey attention seeker”, I just didn’t know who I was. After being diagnosed for a little over 2 years now, I am slowly learning how to bring MY personality back. I advocate for autism, ADHD, OCD and mental health online! I only started in January 2026 and I have nearly 11.5k new friends who feel similar things to me.. I’ve started to collect dolls again after giving them up when I was 13, I play more video games, and I talk about the “weird” interests I have all the time.
I am still learning the other side of Autism, ADHD and OCD such as regulating myself, knowing the signs of burnout before it happens, understanding what situations can lead me into a meltdown or shutdown. All of these are important for anyone going through a late diagnosis and an identity crisis. Being diagnosed and feeling like I was able to drop the mask has been the best thing I’ve ever experienced. I used to be so scared of where I will be in my late twenties, I still am very scared. But it’s a different kind of scared. I’m now excited to see where I can be in a few years.