And why the first conversation can be the hardest.
By Toby Harris
Founder of MAAD – Men Against Anxiety & Depression
By Toby Harris, Founder of MAAD – Men Against Anxiety & Depression
“I’m fine.”
Two words that can mean absolutely nothing and sometimes, absolutely everything.
I’ve said them when I was fine and I’ve also said them when my head was anything but fine.
When I was anxious. When I was overwhelmed. When I was overthinking everything. When I didn’t really understand what I was feeling myself, let alone know how to explain it to somebody else and I know I’m not the only man who has done that.
Since starting MAAD (Men Against Anxiety & Depression), I’ve spoken to countless men of different ages, different backgrounds and different lives about mental health.
But there are certain things that come up again and again. One of them is just how difficult that first conversation can be.
Sometimes we don’t know how to explain it
There’s an assumption that when somebody is struggling, they know that they’re struggling. That isn’t always true, sometimes you just know that something isn’t right.
You’re more irritable than usual, you don’t want to see people, things you normally enjoy don’t feel the same, you’re exhausted but can’t switch your brain off, you’re going through the motions of work, family and everyday life while there’s a constant noise inside your head that nobody else can see.
Someone asks: “Are you OK?”
And the easiest answer is: “Yeah. I’m fine.”
Not necessarily because you’re deliberately hiding something. Sometimes you genuinely don’t know what else to say.
We don’t want to become somebody else’s problem.
This is something I think we underestimate when we tell men to “just talk”.
Talking means letting somebody else into it and when you care about the people around you, that can be frightening in itself.
You don’t want your partner worrying about you.
You don’t want your children seeing you differently.
You don’t want your mates feeling like they need to check on you.
You don’t want people at work thinking you can’t cope.
So you convince yourself that keeping it inside is somehow protecting everybody else.
I’ll deal with it.
It’ll pass.
Other people have got bigger problems.
I don’t want to burden anyone.
Until carrying it alone becomes its own burden.
Sometimes “I’m fine” really means “I’m not ready.”
This is something I’ve learned through MAAD.
We rightly encourage people to ask twice, to check on their mates and to start conversations. But we also need to understand that somebody might not be ready to have that conversation the first time you ask. Or the second.
That doesn’t mean asking didn’t matter.
Knowing somebody noticed can matter.
Knowing somebody cares can matter.
Knowing that the door is open if you ever decide to walk through it can matter.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can tell somebody isn’t: “Tell me what’s wrong.” It’s: “You don’t have to talk about it now. But if you ever want to, I’m here.”
No pressure.
No judgement.
Just an open door.
And when a man does talk, what happens next matters.
We spend a lot of time encouraging men to speak, I think we need to spend just as much time teaching people how to listen.
Imagine carrying something around for months or even years, you’ve rehearsed the conversation in your head countless times, you’ve worried about how someone might react and you’ve convinced yourself you’ll sound weak, ridiculous or dramatic.
Eventually, you find the courage to say: “Actually, I’m not doing very well.”
That moment matters.
You don’t necessarily need somebody to fix you.
You probably don’t expect them to have the answers.
Sometimes you just need them to listen.
Not minimise it.
Not immediately compare it to their own experience.
Not tell you everything you should be doing.
Just listen. Because a positive experience of opening up makes the next conversation easier. A negative one can make someone wonder why they bothered.
That’s part of why I started MAAD.
MAAD stands for Men Against Anxiety & Depression.
I’ve never wanted MAAD to be about putting labels on men or telling them how they’re supposed to feel. It’s about making conversations around mental health feel normal.
Visible without pressure.
Recognition without labels.
Our message is simple: Wear your why.
Because everybody has one.
Maybe you’ve struggled yourself.
Maybe somebody you love has.
Maybe you’ve lost somebody.
Maybe you simply believe that nobody should feel like they have to carry everything alone and the more openly we acknowledge that, the easier we make it for the next person to speak.
We need both sides of the conversation.
Men need to know it’s OK to talk and the people who love them need support too.
Partners, friends, parents, siblings, colleagues, the people who notice something has changed but don’t know what to say.
You don’t have to diagnose someone, you don’t need the perfect words and you certainly don’t need to fix everything in one conversation.
Sometimes it starts with something much smaller.
“I’ve noticed you don’t seem yourself lately.”
“You don’t have to tell me anything, but I’m here.”
“Do you want me to listen, or do you want us to think about what might help?”
Sometimes it starts with simply sitting beside someone and letting them know they don’t have to pretend with you.
“I’m fine” isn’t always the end of the conversation.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that talking isn’t always a big dramatic moment.
It can start incredibly small.
A message.
A drive.
A coffee.
A conversation at the gym.
Sitting next to somebody rather than opposite them.
Five honest minutes where somebody finally admits: “I’m actually struggling a bit.”
We can’t force those conversations, but we can create more places where they feel possible and perhaps that’s where change really starts. Not by demanding that men talk, but by making sure that when they’re ready, they know somebody is willing to listen.
Because the first conversation can be the hardest. But it doesn’t have to be the last.
Stay tuned for the Mental. But Not Alone article on MAAD Reads –
“He Said He Was Fine: How His Mental Health Became Our Journey“
By Jessica Walton, Founder of Mental. But Not Alone
About the author: Toby Harris is the founder of MAAD – Men Against Anxiety & Depression, a UK-based mental-health awareness movement encouraging more open conversations around men’s mental health through community, content, clothing and partnerships.
Find out more about MAAD at wearemaad.co.uk.
And check them out on Instagram @we_are_maad_official