Kate, 34, Buffalo, NY
TW: This post discusses SA and self-harm.
Hi, I’m Kate. I’m 34 years old. I am diagnosed with ADHD, PTSD from sexual abuse, I’m recovered from an eating disorder, and I am an autism parent.
I was 13 years old when I started self-harming. Specifically, cutting. And then it turned into binging and purging and restricting. At this time, I was also misdiagnosed with bipolar and multiple personality disorder. It wasn’t until around age 18 that I got a correct ADHD diagnosis. I didn’t realize this until I was in recovery, but this all stemmed from being sexually abused as a child.
I struggle with intrusive thoughts and with navigating stressful situations. I struggle with the judgments placed on my son, and I struggle with really trying to continue to live my life after recovery.
The dark, depressive thoughts. The self-hate. Wanting to disappear. Wanting to numb myself so I wouldn’t be suffering through my intrusive, dark, ruminating thoughts.
A lot of my struggle had to do with ADHD. Being born that way. And then not having the right support. And then add the abuse on top of that, followed by the PTSD, and then the eating disorder.
It all really just makes you almost a shell of a person. So you have to push through the misconceptions and push through the stigmas. Because that’s not who you really are.
A lot of the misconceptions about these mental health diagnoses are not necessarily what they truly are. A common misconception about my eating disorder was, “She just wants to be skinny.” Yes, it starts like that. Like yes, you focus on the numbers. But then it becomes so much more. It turns into a beast and it becomes as if you’re chasing a never ending goal. It was like I would hit a number and then that wasn’t enough.
So in rehab we nicknamed the eating disorder “Ed.” And I don’t even like giving that much power to it, but we had to because it helped us navigate our self-help groups and stuff like that. So Ed becomes very powerful. Becomes your family, your boyfriend, your lover, your girlfriend, your support system, your best friend. I ate, slept, went to the bathroom, showered with Ed every single day. And then you had to break up with “Ed”. I know this sounds crazy, but that’s how I viewed it.
In my mind, people are always going to misunderstand you. People are going to judge you regardless. So just do you.
My mental health and relationships.
Whew, this was a tough one.
My mental health has really negatively impacted a lot of my relationships. It’s actually burned a lot of bridges. Relationships became hard to navigate. If the people in your life don’t fully understand then the relationship is going to crumble. When you retreat, do they check in with you even if you are going silent?
In my mind, someone with an eating disorder looks a lot like an addict. It acts like an addiction and it overtakes your whole brain and body. You learn to manipulate people and you learn to do things to get what you need. So, I always looked at it like that. Where it really controlled your whole being. When I was in full-blown eating disorder, my relationships struggled, specifically with my mom and family. And I had to work to build those relationships back up. But I wish more people would realize that you can release yourself from toxicity in your life. And it’s okay to walk away from people even if they are family.
What keeps me going on a difficult day?
My faith, my son, hope. Focusing on the glimmers. Because the world is too heavy. But remembering to do the things that make my soul happy. And the people that are close to me and that respect me and understand those things will give me the time and the space to do that.
I have learned to use coping skills to navigate, rather than self-harming or choosing to run away. And I have learned how to control that negative inner voice.
Sometimes, you just have to tell it to shut the fuck up.
So everyday do something that makes you smile. Focus on the glimmers and go on a journey of self discovery. Journaling, meditation, grounding, yoga, music, power lifting, nature walk being by the water. Those are some of my coping skills. But I hope that you can find yours.
What advice would I give to someone who feels alone?
This was a really hard one because, of course, everyone’s feelings are validated. So if you feel alone, I’m going to give you that validation. You are valid for feeling that.
Your internal monologue becomes your narrative. That voice inside of your head, it tells you that you’re going to fail. It tells you you’re alone. That nobody likes you. You are too difficult. You’re hard to love. You’re too sensitive. That is a facade.
That voice is not real.
I’m sure you’ve heard of the self-fulfilling prophecy. So like, if you keep thinking that you’re alone, you are going to be alone. That is going to be how you live your life. That is not how I want to live my life.
It is working on taking that thought and asking yourself, is this a valid rational thought? Or is this an irrational thought?
Your feelings are valid. But your thoughts are not always the truth.
I encourage you to be introspective. Work on your thoughts, your feelings, and I hope that you find joy and reach out for support. But don’t let that voice become your narrative.